You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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