Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
