Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
