Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
