I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
