opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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