So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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