Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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