God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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