when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The beer is more important than you right now.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
