just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
