He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
