i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
