Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
