We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
