I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
