i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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