If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
