A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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