I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
