i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
