Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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