its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
