Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I need to stop coming to work sober
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
