The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
