i don't like sucking hair
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
