dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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