Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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