I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
