guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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