Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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