That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
