someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
