He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
