Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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