All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
