I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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