Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
