go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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