and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
