i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
