Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
