I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
