if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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