How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
