dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
