so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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