I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
