found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
