The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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